There are too many days and nights where I lie to myself. Yes, Melissa, you are a good person. I know that I am not good in God’s eyes, but sometimes in my heart of hearts I forget. 

I see someone who I think is a bad person (or at least a “worse” person than me) and then I see them prosper and lead a happy life/ gain “good” things, and I wonder what they have done to deserve it. The truth is that I don’t deserve the things that God has given me. Why do you get to be happy/ happier than me? I feel bitter and disappointed in God, but I need to remember to extend God’s grace to everyone and to stop feeling self-righteous (especially since that’s not even valid). 

I’m not really sure how this situation is going to turn out and quite frankly I’m really nervous/ scared and not quite sure how He could show up in this situation, but I know He will. :/

Despite all of the ways that God has shown that He is faithful, I still struggle to give God control (and trust) over all of the things in my life. Even more frustrating is that things that I had previously given over to God are becoming much more of struggle once again to continue giving to God. For example, I had learned to give my finances to God and now I’m struggling once again to fully trust in His faithfulness with regards to finances. 

So, even though my new (leased) car needs to go in for repair and I’m still trying to pay off my credit cards bills from moving, I can still remember that God is good and that if I honor Him with my spending, He will provide for me. 

I’ve always felt a little weird clapping after a worship song or after a set. To me, it always feels like it becomes more about praising the worship band than on praising God. This isn’t meant to be a criticism as I really do appreciate worship bands (and want to show them my gratitude), but It makes it seem more like a concert and less like people getting together to praise and worship God. Could there be another way to give thanks for the band while not overlapping with worship? Am I looking at this the wrong way? 

(To clarify: I am not talking about in the context of a concert).

Does anyone have any input? (I’d especially appreciate input from people who’ve been in worship bands before). 

There’s a quote that I remember seeing on Charlotte’s Tumblr page by a man named Cliff Richard that says, “the more we depend on God, the more dependable we find He is.” While I know that the quote is true, it’s one thing to acknowledge something theoretically and another thing entirely to live that concept out. 

So, right before I moved to my new location, my car began to have major car problems. Instead of worrying about it like I always do, I prayed and trusted God to get me to my new city and to take care of my car problems for me. My car, which had not been starting the night before, not only made the trip but has since shown no other major problems. 

So, I say again, “the more we depend on God, the more dependable we find He is.” Yay, God. :D (Isaiah 41:10; 1 Chronicles 16:11) 

I’ve spent my whole life getting used to the idea of being a racial/ethnic and gender minority and for some reason I thought that those experiences would equip me with any future experiences of minority existence, but this is different. There is something so startling… so jarring about quickly changing from a majority position to a minority position that does not quite reflect a typical lifelong minority experience. 

The city that I am now living in boasts predominately Jewish population where Christianity is, more often than not, only mentioned as the butt of jokes or as a previous source of pain for the person or people. People here are fully immersed in their faith, go to Jewish youth groups, study the Torah, observe the Sabbath, etc  

I’m hopeful that this experience will help provide a better understanding of what it means to love people. If there’s anything that I’ve learned from some of my more… interesting experiences, it’s that God uses those experiences to better equip me to love and serve the people around me while gaining a better understanding of who He is and what He has done for me. I don’t really know how to proceed, but I’m sure if I follow His lead, it’ll be okay. 

 I can’t count the number of times that I’ve run ahead of God, reaching for dusty cheetos. (If you’re confused, check out this post right here.) This time will be different. Far too much time has been spent trying to find God’s hand in an impromptu move to DC, when that just may not be His will for me right now. 

I have ignored the possibility that He may want me (for the time being) elsewhere. It took a long time and honest self-reflection to admit that my desire to move to DC was for purely selfish/ prideful reasons. Yes, I love the city and it is the main hub for my field, but I also wanted the prestige of working there regardless of the cost to me. There was very little thought put into the potential impact on my spiritual life.

In contrast, the position here would allow for me to use my new financial resources  to be a blessing to others, while finally having time to find another Christian community and to be of help to people while gaining experience for a better job in my field in DC later. I spent so much time going after a dusty cheeto—an impulsive move to a city in hopes of fulfilling an idealistic, selfish life goal— that I almost missed sight of the meal that God has planned for me. 

Things here were lining up perfectly. Along with the job offer, some side-projects to help boost up my resume have arisen and I have received some free furniture (and appliances) along with a greater opportunity to find a new Christian community. This does not mean that I may not move to DC in the future, but that means that I will hold off on moving there for the time being 

Despite the fact that I want to eat right now, I will hold off on eating any dusty cheetos. I will allow this sense of clarity to continue washing over me, erasing my regret and selfishness, leaving only God’s grace. 

God is good. 

I just want to be in Durham buring benches and/or rushing the field. Congrats Duke football. 

This post articulates exactly how I feel about modesty within the Christian church. It’s a really good read. Everyone should look over it. 

I’m going to start from the beginning and catch everyone up, as I mentioned in an earlier post that I would do. 

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